Mixed Emotions

I am sitting here with such random thoughts and such a rush of mixed emotions, I'm not sure what to even write... I guess I can start with what I am feeling and these crazy thoughts running through my head.

Loss.....
Megan leaves in the morning, and although I have handled it really well up to now.... today, I'm not doing so good with the handling. I am going to miss her terribly and our family will have a void that only she could fill. I am trying so hard to not feel sorry for myself and be happy for the down time she is going to get to enjoy. She has been so busy serving the last 5 months, now she can focus on recharging for the summer. Her heart is at Whisper Mountain and I love her and want nothing more than her happiness.

Finances....
I am so stressed right now - it is driving me crazy. We need to sell the house in FL. I know the Lord knows this, and I know it's not our "right" to know the why's, how's and when's of it all, but I guess that doesn't make the wait any easier. We are starting a new series at Ridge this week called, "The Legend of Joe Jacobson". One of the key questions throughout this series is, "What would you do if you knew God was with you?" I have had to ask this question a lot this week. I know He is with me, but do I really trust that He will provide??? Tough question...

Gratefulness/Greediness....
I am so blessed and yet, sometimes I feel so selfish. I have a beautiful house, healthy kids, great friends, an awesome church and a husband who never lets a day go by without telling me how much he loves me. But - I want more. I want the house to sell, I want parts of my old life back, I want to not have to worry about bills, I want to be able to meet my sister at Target and hug my nieces - I want, I want, I want..... What is the matter with me??? When am I satisfied??? On the other hand - somedays I wake up with such a heavy heart and not feeling at all deserving of this life He has chosen for me. Lord knows, I would have not walked willingly down the road I have been on this past year, but He knew right where this path would take me, and for that I am eternally grateful.

 Sadness....

 Today when I got to work I found out that one of the students in  my class's mother passed away yesterday. Hope Gibson had Lupus and although I don't know much about it, she had a very difficult last week. She was diagnosed only 10 months ago and was 27 years old.  I spoke with her Thursday when she picked up McKenzie from school and she looked really swollen (I guess her kidneys were shutting down and they were planning on dialysis). I asked how she was feeling and like usual, she said, "I'm fine, just tired." She was always so positive. She went in for a kidney biopsy at 2:00 and just never regained consciousness. She leaves behind a 11 year old son, Jordan (who has autism), Mckenzie (she's 4) and her husband, Rick. If you can, please lift them up in prayer today and the rest of this week. They have a long road ahead. As of 1:00 today, Rick had still not found the courage to tell his children. It kinda puts it all in perspective doesn't it??

I promised the occasional ramblings, so here they are. Sorry.