Monday, February 25, 2008

Mixed Emotions

I am sitting here with such random thoughts and such a rush of mixed emotions, I'm not sure what to even write... I guess I can start with what I am feeling and these crazy thoughts running through my head.

Loss.....
Megan leaves in the morning, and although I have handled it really well up to now.... today, I'm not doing so good with the handling. I am going to miss her terribly and our family will have a void that only she could fill. I am trying so hard to not feel sorry for myself and be happy for the down time she is going to get to enjoy. She has been so busy serving the last 5 months, now she can focus on recharging for the summer. Her heart is at Whisper Mountain and I love her and want nothing more than her happiness.

Finances....
I am so stressed right now - it is driving me crazy. We need to sell the house in FL. I know the Lord knows this, and I know it's not our "right" to know the why's, how's and when's of it all, but I guess that doesn't make the wait any easier. We are starting a new series at Ridge this week called, "The Legend of Joe Jacobson". One of the key questions throughout this series is, "What would you do if you knew God was with you?" I have had to ask this question a lot this week. I know He is with me, but do I really trust that He will provide??? Tough question...

Gratefulness/Greediness....
I am so blessed and yet, sometimes I feel so selfish. I have a beautiful house, healthy kids, great friends, an awesome church and a husband who never lets a day go by without telling me how much he loves me. But - I want more. I want the house to sell, I want parts of my old life back, I want to not have to worry about bills, I want to be able to meet my sister at Target and hug my nieces - I want, I want, I want..... What is the matter with me??? When am I satisfied??? On the other hand - somedays I wake up with such a heavy heart and not feeling at all deserving of this life He has chosen for me. Lord knows, I would have not walked willingly down the road I have been on this past year, but He knew right where this path would take me, and for that I am eternally grateful.

 Sadness....
 Today when I got to work I found out that one of the students in  my class's mother passed away yesterday. Hope Gibson had Lupus and although I don't know much about it, she had a very difficult last week. She was diagnosed only 10 months ago and was 27 years old.  I spoke with her Thursday when she picked up McKenzie from school and she looked really swollen (I guess her kidneys were shutting down and they were planning on dialysis). I asked how she was feeling and like usual, she said, "I'm fine, just tired." She was always so positive. She went in for a kidney biopsy at 2:00 and just never regained consciousness. She leaves behind a 11 year old son, Jordan (who has autism), Mckenzie (she's 4) and her husband, Rick. If you can, please lift them up in prayer today and the rest of this week. They have a long road ahead. As of 1:00 today, Rick had still not found the courage to tell his children. It kinda puts it all in perspective doesn't it??


I promised the occasional ramblings, so here they are. Sorry.

7 comments:

Rusty Burchard said...

Awesome Post, I am proud to be your husband.

The Vazquez Clan said...

Hey Tina!! I love you and you can handle this that is why it is all on your plate. Love Ya

Tasha Via said...

I am so proud of you. I know it's been a hard year for you but you guys are doing a great job, not only that you are being obedient even when it's hard. Thanks for the honest post. We should all write from our heart more often.

Debbie said...

In case you did not know this, you are human. Sometimes, it is so hard to feel everything that we do, but we have to"because it is what it is". After reading your post, all I could think of, was what if you did not believe???what if you had no concept of how much God really does understand and love you no matter how much you "want"?? how lonely it must be for those who do not know Christ. Take comfort in Him and lay these concerns at His feet. He is your Father...He is your friend and He loves you.....I do too....

Debbie said...

WELL....I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has these days. Bless your heart! Thanks for being so open....we're praying for you.

I could write a page to you right now about my anxiety, but I'll close instead of going on about it....:o).

Things are going to get better!

Todd said...

Hey you! I know exactly where you are with so much! I am the same exact way with things down here. Although we don't always know the why's of things, we do know that God has the perfect plan, and He is going to get you through this! When it feels hard, just know that you have so many friends and family that love you and are constantly lifting you up in prayer! I love you & miss getting to see you all the time! Life is rough, but there is a bright road ahead of you, and you are going to do a great job at getting through all of this! It's hard but God is in control!

Love ya! and I'm raising you in prayer everyday!

The Captain said...

I would be certain that all Rick would want is his wife back healthy. The hard times are here for a reason. Ask God to help you count the sleeps until this season is over for you. Or how many sleeps until He has you where He wants you in this.
I love you guys and want His best for you,because its better than any other best!!!!